By Theo Danzig Mar. 1, 2019

The annual Mac-Quinby Cold War party is one of Bowdoin’s oldest and most esteemed traditions. Since the Yalta Conference in February of 1945, Bowdoin students have gathered every February to celebrate the long struggle between the world’s two superpowers.

However, we at the Harpoon believe the party can go beyond just dressing up in red tank tops and American flag bandanas. There are several improvements that ought to be made to give the Cold War party a more realistic Cold War flavor.

First, there should be random “Duck and Cover” drills throughout the duration of the party. Nothing says Cold War like instilling fear of imminent nuclear annihilation—who said intercontinental ballistic missiles can’t be fun?

Also, to really experience the Cold War, anyone who complains during the party should be forced to do hard labor out in the snow in a simulated Gulag. And to all the humanitarian naysayers, the Gulags couldn’t have been that bad—after all, the experience was so enjoyable that nobody ever left!

Finally, the alcohol drank should reflect Cold War values. As it represents the USSR, Mac should only serve Stoli, and being the USA, Quinby should only put out that greatest of American beverages: Natural Light. Only then will the spirits of the Cold War truly be imbibed by Bowdoin students.

FEB 25, 2019

By Calderon McHuman and the Pied Piper (with Editorial Assistance from the Bowdoin Harpoon)

Here’s your rundown of marginally notable news that you “ABSOLUTELY NEED” to know this week:

1. DISASTER STRIKES: BOWDOIN BASKETBALL MISSES OUT ON A BID TO NCAA TOURNAMENT

After a devastating loss to Tufts on Sunday afternoon, Bowdoin women’s basketball possibly won’t advance to the NCAA tournament next week. Tufts, the conference champions, gains an automatic bid to the tournament. Meanwhile, #1 ranked Bowdoin now must anxiously await the decision of the selection committee gods, who are rumored to respond to sacrificial polar bears. Riots and protests are expected to ensue in retirement homes across Cumberland County in response to the loss.

Have a polar bear to sacrifice to the selection committee? Learn how you can help the U-Bears here.

2. CAREER PLANNING REFOCUSES ON PRACTICAL SKILLS, INTERNSHIPS (…. because they weren’t doing that already?)

After coming under fire in recent weeks, Career Planning has devised a radical shift in their goals. They will now focus on helping students prepare to enter the workforce post-graduation. This replaces their previous focus of cultivating the next generation of Wizards and Witches. Counselors will no longer work on teaching spells, correcting broomstick form, and reviewing potions. Todd Hermann and Dighton Spooner will be leaving the CPC during this transition period, and their replacements are expected to shape the new direction of Career Planning.

If you’re not a outgoing senior, learn about the changes to career planning here.

3. SHOULD BOWDOIN HOCKEY FOLLOW THE JV SOCCER MODEL?

After a disappointing season where both the Men’s and Women’s football teams failed to make the NESCAC tournament, one is left to wonder if the teams should follow the model of Bowdoin’s highly successful JV soccer team. After an undefeated season last fall, JV soccer may have been the best Bowdoin sports team this year, playing various club and high school teams. The hockey teams would have plenty of success playing against the local high school team’s that already use Watson Arena for their own practices. Additionally, 25-year-olds on the Bowdoin could test their skills against the high school freshman who bags their handles at Hannaford’s.

Learn about the future of Bowdoin Hockey here.

4. BSG FIGHTS FOR EQUAL ACCESS (to condoms)

The Bowdoin Student Government, the paragon of progress at Bowdoin, took huge steps this week to ensure equal access to resources at Bowdoin, regardless of where you come from or how old you are. Students from all residence halls will now get condoms provided by Res-Life and the BSG. In addition to distributing condoms, RAs will also begin discussing “The Birds and the Bees” with students in upperclass dorms.

Excited to make condom balloons? Learn when they’re coming here.

5. THORNE HALL NOW 2ND FANCIEST PLACE TO EAT IN BRUNSWICK

The recently opened Odd Duck restaurant in downtown Brunswick now offers students a more upscale place to spend their parent’s money. Additionally, all the Moulton Lightroom people will have two options when they want to eat somewhere that doesn’t look like an elementary school cafeteria; the can choose between splurging on Thorne or Odd Duck. However, Odd Duck may be unrivaled because of its “event space.” One can only wonder if Odd Duck can match the “event spaces” of Baxter, Quinby or Reed.

Is your Mom and Dad’s credit card burning a hole in your pocket? Learn about all of their money you can spend at Odd Duck here.

POLL QUESTION: Would your middle school basketball team beat Tufts? Please respond here.

Love the Oriental Express? Share it with the Oddest Duck you know!

Compiled by Will Hausmann

by SAGE KASHNER Feb. 20, 2019

On Friday, Security was called to Thorne to deal with an incident involving the Bowdoin’s Men’s Baseball Team. The team had reportedly formed a mob around one of the rookie players, chanting, “Traitor, traitor, traitor!” Fortunately, Security arrived before anybody was hurt, and broke up the mob.

Continue reading “Baseball Player Doesn’t Use Tray at Thorne, Gets Kicked Off Team” →

by JACK SHANE Feb. 19, 2019

Many know the Jonas Brothers as a popular boy band who peaked from 2006-2013. However, they were much more than an excuse for fangirl triplets to get wet. Their songs actually contained subtle messages that predicted our very future. Indeed, our “great great great granddaughters” will not know the Jo-Bros as a boy band, but as an all-knowing prophet of the future.

Continue reading “The Jonas Brothers Are the Modern Nostradamus and Here’s Why” →

By Calderon McHuman and the Pied Piper (with Editorial Assistance from the Bowdoin Harpoon)

FEB 18, 2019

Here’s your rundown of marginally notable news that you “ABSOLUTELY NEED” to know this week:

1. HEALTH SERVICES IN POCKET OF BIG PHARMA

As flu season reached a fever pitch last week, the Orient gave us a look inside the pro-vaccination special interest group that is the Bowdoin Health Services Center. The Center has distributed 825 flu vaccines this season, likely without telling students a single one of the risks from these non-vegan “medicines.” Health Services is also attempting to infect other institutions across campus with the pro-vacc frenzy, encouraging sports teams or res-life groups to engage in vaccination.

Think the flu is the hoax? Learn about the conspiracy here.

2. BLIND DATE DINNER QUICKLY TURNS TO ORGY

The third iteration of the Valentine’s Day blind date dinner ended in raucous success. The event, which tried to deemphasize Bowdoin hook-up culture, succumbed to a massive orgy in the Cram Alumni House. Of the 30 pairings at the event, 23 reportedly resulted in 2nd dates, which doubles the amount of Bowdoin students in actual relationships.

Looking for love? Learn more here, or put a love letter in the Orient.

3. LEFTISTS PRETEND THEY NEED TO HIDE IN BASEMENTS

Dudley-Coe basement, supposedly the last bastion of leftism at Bowdoin, houses the socialist thinking club, the “Reading Group.” The group aims the promote leftist thought that the Orient claims “has remained largely absent from Bowdoin’s mainstream discourse.” Maybe Bowdoin is secretly a conservative think tank that only the Orient knows about. The covert group has yet to seek a charter from the SOOC. If leaders plan to keep it that way, they must hope Jenna Scott doesn’t read the Orient.

Are you one of the rare leftists at Bowdoin? Learn about the “Reading Group” here.

4. ROMNEY CAMPAIGN CHAIR TO TAKE REINS AT BOWDOIN

Possibly in fear of the suddenly resurgent leftist ideologies on Bowdoin’s campus, the Board of Trustees elected Robert F. White ‘77 as chair, hopefully, to serve as a check on the “Reading Group.” White served as chair of Romney’s 2008 and 2012 presidential campaigns. Surprisingly, the conservative strategist still supports expanding free payouts (aka financial aid) to everyone who isn’t in approximately the top 5-10% of income brackets and ensuring opportunity for students from all backgrounds.

Want to be the next Chair of the Trustees? Try out here.

5. CURLING TEAM FINISHES REGULAR SEASON “ON TOP” (3RD PLACE)

Math isn’t everyone’s strong suit, but even someone with a cursory understanding of sports and numbers knows on top doesn’t quite mean 3rd place. Nonetheless, our friendly Orient sportswriters would like us to know the curling team in “On Top” (or they could be making a thickly veiled innuendo). Nonetheless, the curling team will enter nationals as Bowdoin’s 2nd most successful and 12th highest funded winter sport.

Want more time “On Top.” Learn to curl here.

Love the Oriental Express? Bring it to your next clandestine reading group!

Compiled by Will Hausmann