By JACK REED | Nov. 21, 2017
It’s that time of the year again! Leaves have fallen, clocks have turned back, and first-year Floridians bracing the cold have submitted their transfer applications to colleges in the South. In other words, it’s November, and with November’s advent comes many students’ favorite holiday: Thanksgiving. Continue reading “Student Cannot Muster Courage to Correct Family Members’ Pronunciation of “Bow-Doyne””
By DAN RALSTON Nov. 19, 2017
Bowdoin College first year Tola Stihs browned out last weekend. The following is a timeline of the evening’s events pieced together by friends and loved ones of the student. Continue reading “Student Takes Laxative, Browns Out”
By ELIZA JEVON Nov. 17, 2017
On October 31st, the men of the Bowdoin Outing Club collectively shaved their entire bodies to start anew for “No-Shave November.” Since then, the entire drainage system has been clogged, and no one has been able to flush, wash their hands, or take a shower. Continue reading “Plumbing Emergency: Drains Overwhelmed as BOC Men Prep for No-Shave November”
By AINE LAWLOR Nov. 16, 2017
First-year Jake Bern was unable to locate his mailbox in Smith Union on Wednesday following the campus-wide email update. He was seen wandering around Smith, peering under tables, claiming his mother sent him a care package. Continue reading “First-Year Can’t Find Smith Union Mailbox After IT Update”
By ETHAN BEVINGTON Nov. 15, 2017
Following another round of mass shootings, Congressional Republicans bit the bullet and made their stance on gun control clear by literally shooting down a proposed gun control bill with an AR-15. Continue reading “Republicans Shoot Down Proposal on Gun Control”
By ELIZA JEVON Nov. 14, 2017
When Super Senior Jeremy Winston walked out of his Maine polling station on Wednesday, a sticker glistened on his chest. He had voted. He has served his country. Continue reading “Super Senior Realizes Shouldn’t Have Hooked up with First-Year Girl When He Asks Her Why She Didn’t Vote”
By SAM HALPERT Nov. 13, 2017
Recent reports indicate that local man Peter Franzen has made the active choice to abstain from sexual intercourse until divorce. Continue reading “Man Saving Himself for Divorce”
By JACK ARNHOLZ Nov. 12, 2017
Bowdoin Football came back from a ten-point advantage Saturday to clinch a historic, winless season. In its first nine-game season of the year, the team has managed to lose every contest.
Saturday’s loss makes Bowdoin Football the most consistent team in the NESCAC. Amherst Football formerly held the distinction with a winning 16-0 record; however, Bowdoin’s loss to Colby means the team has gone 0-17.
“We get the same result every time,” Quarterback Derek Holloway said. “And that’s impressive. I mean, when you see Hockey play, you never know what the result will be. When you see us, you get what you expect.”
In order to maintain its historic record, the team will prepare for next season by cancelling all lifts and practices.
By SEBASTIAN HERNANDEZ Nov. 11, 2017
Scientists with too much time on their hands have discovered that food porn, eye-catching, scrumptious, mouth-watering pictures of food on the internet, can also be used as eye-catching, scrumptious, mouth-watering regular pornography if you try hard enough.
To conduct this experiment, university scientists collected fifteen of the men with the thinnest moustaches in the university dining hall. They found that if the men focused on the human aspects of the pictures, and tried really, really hard, then they could get the job done in about 8 minutes. That the fact that the pictures were of food were of no consequence when the men tried really hard.
“Me and some of the guys were trying to guess what was going to be most effective. We thought that some of these traditionally sexual foods would really do it for these guys, like a banana, or two cantaloupes, or an eggplant. Maybe a handful of nuts, who knows. So I was shocked to find out that what really did it was a bag of baby carrots. Mike was the only one who called it. And because of that we called security.”
The scientists have launched a website of their findings called “babycarrotfuck.biz/nasty.”
By BEN WONG
Nov. 10, 2017
This past Friday, pop artist Quinn XCII held a stunning performance at Smith Union, to much critical acclaim. Some of his absolute bangers included, “Bach’s Quinntet in F Major, Op. 22, No. 2,” and 
“IamaQuinntuplet.” One self-proclaimed male “athlete-student” described the show as “out-fucking-standing bro, the music was bumping and it really got me in a mood to hit on all the freshmen.” A local parent said, “The concert was wicked fun, and he didn’t say any cuss words like that Walker Flocker guy did a couple years ago, so my kids had a blast, too!”
The musical prowess flowing from Quinn’s mouth and orifices was so astounding that the Bowdoin Entertainment Board immediately tried to reschedule him for Ivies. Unfortunately, Quinn will be on tour in Europe during Ivies weekend, so the board settled for his older brother, Super Bowl XXXCII. Super may be a little washed up, but can still throw down some oldie hits like, “Fergalicious” and “Janet’s Tit.”
Sophomore band XX/XX opened the show, announcing they will go on tour with Quinn before they make it big time, for real this time, they promise.
The Bowdoin Harpoon 